1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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