she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
