Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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