lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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