paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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