I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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