I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
