I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
