Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
