if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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