I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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