Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
