1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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