Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
it's like heaven, but drunker
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
