I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
