if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I love you. Go after that dick
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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