well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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