listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
