Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
