His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
