please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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