he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
