y did u give ur computer a hand job?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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