Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
