fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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