I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
