I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
