Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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