I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
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