he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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