She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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