don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
