i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
