hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
