I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
