connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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