I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
