??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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