I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
The ass gains better be worth it
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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