I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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