Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
