you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
