Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
