All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
