Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
