I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
