If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Are my feet made of real feet?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
We don't watch enough power rangers
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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