I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
