the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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