Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
