I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Your cock deserves a montage
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
