How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
