Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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