My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
